Return To The Big Lebowski (Fan Fiction)

Readers note – contains strong language

Walter locks Sobchak Security’s front door and walks to his van at approximately 9PM on Sunday, May 1. He turns on the radio and learns Usama Bin Laden has reportedly been killed by U.S. forces in Pakistan.

“What happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass,” mutters Walter while shaking his head with a satisfied smirk.

Walter calls The Dude on his cell phone to inform him of the breaking news. The Dude expresses little interest as he tells Walter he is smoking a joint and enjoying a relaxing bath. Similarly, Walter pays no attention to The Dude’s reefer-induced briefing. He is entirely concentrating on details of the successful assassination of the world’s most wanted terrorist.

“The beauty of this is its simplicity. If the plan gets too complex something always goes wrong. If there’s one thing I learned in Nam–”

The Dude interrupts Walter and surprisingly opinionates Bin Laden’s death could trigger more terrorist acts.

“You have got to buck up, man” Walter loudly and angrily demands. “Really, Dude, you surprise me. They’re not gonna kill shit, they’re not gonna do shit. What can they do? They’re a bunch of fuckin’ amateurs. A bunch of fig-eaters wearing towels on their heads, trying to find reverse in a Soviet tank.”

Walter pulls out of the parking lot and drives northbound towards Venice. The Dude questions if killing Bin Laden in cold-blood was the right choice. He wonders if the terror kingpin should have instead been brought to justice.

“What the fuck are you talking about? They’re a bunch of fucking amateurs,” Walter reasons as he tries to gain his composure and avoid furiously exploding. “You know, Dude, I myself dabbled in pacifism once. Not in ‘Nam of course. Pacifism is nothing to hide behind.”

The Dude again interrupts and says he no longer wants to speak about Bin Laden.

“Okay, Dude. Have it your way,” says a somewhat exasperated Walter. “Nothing is fucked. Let’s go get us a lane.”

The Dude tells Walter he’ll be at the bowling alley in 30 minutes. An hour later, The Dude strolls into the alley and spots Walter sitting to the far-right. Walter is nursing a large cup of Budweiser and smoking a cigarette. The Dude travels to the barkeep to order a drink.

“Caucasian, Gary,” The Dude casually asks.

As soon as The Dude is given his White Russian, he glances at a beaming, blood-quenched Walter.

“Friends like these, huh Gary,”

The Dude hesitantly moves to greet Walter.

“A world of pain,” Walter says while pretending to shoot a gun with his right hand. “I’m a fucking veteran!”

“Will you come off it,” pleads The Dude. “Don’t say a peep.”

“A world of pain,” Walter says gleefully while rising from his chair. “Goddamnit, this affects all of us!”

Walter forcefully hits The Dude in his right-arm to celebrate the historical night. Some of The Dude’s White Russian spills on his shorts.

“Hey, careful, man, there’s a beverage here!”

The world has changed a lot since we last saw Walter and The Dude 20 years ago.

“The conflict with Saddam and the Iraqis” essentially ended when Hussein was hung to death in December 2006.

Bin Laden was finally eliminated nearly a month ago after more than a decade on the lam.

Fortunately, through all the days and odd twists, Walter and the Dude remain largely the same.

“I don’t know about you, but I take comfort in that.”

-Colin Linneweber


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