I don’t want to know who I am without him in my life! I don’t want to know how it feels to breathe outside his space! And, he is not here to save me from myself. He is not around to pull me out of the darkness. I feel like he was never there, like he never touched my hair.. like he never smiled at me. And, I cannot forget all of the love I carried with me all these years. I was afraid of my dreams, until he was part of them. I felt the sky closing on me and, my own skin burning. The pain was real and, everything I felt was part of me. Part of who I am; like a story without an ending. And, the end was trapped inside of a jar, and the jar was buried in my belly. Every part of me itched for more light, I wanted to change but I still didn’t want to know who I am without him.
And, I did not want to forget all of the love.
“He called me Ophelia,” I tell Olivia, “He was here.. he loved me.. he smiled at me and, I saw myself in his eyes!” Olivia is sitting right next to me our body touching by the side. Her hands are on mine. The look in her eyes is telling me the truth I did not want to believe.
“No body was here when I came in,” her voice was a mere whisper, like she did not want to disturb my pain. I look at her despite the pressure I feel growing within my veins. “But he is real,” I tell her. I know he is real.. I know he excited somewhere beyond my knowledge. I know that we met, and I know that we loved. I can still remember him! No! I can still feel him. The face of heaven, and the eyes of night; darker than darkness. The path of his fingers is clear through the threads of my hair.
“Yes,” Olivia says with a reassuring tone, “He is real..” I hold her hands tightly, as I prompt her to look at me. “He is real, Olivia!”. She smiles at me softly, “Yes! he used to be real, until..”
“Until what?” I asked her urgently. She looks away, her head tiled towards the window. “Please! Olivia,” I plead, “Water down on my fire, my friend.. I am hurting.” My tears are filling the space between us. She turns around and, hold me into her embrace. Her palm on my head, soothing me out of my pain. “Shhhh” she murmurs, “You will be fine without him, as you always did”
“I am heavy!” I tell her, pulling myself out of her hug, “I need his love to feel! I need him, Olivia!”
“He left you Eda!” she says, “He left when you needed him most!”
“I know… I know! But this emptiness is killing me!” I cry, “Yes! he left because life was not easy on us. Yes! he met another woman and married her. Yes! he built a life without me! He had the kid I was not able to give him. Yes! I watched him being happy when, every inch of my life was sinking into sorrowfulness.” my breathe hitches and, I feel like suffocating. She tries to hold me but I push away, my restless eyes paging her concerned face, “But..” I add, “But.. he died, Olivia! He left this world without me being beside him.”
She exhales sharply, her hands falling into her lap. She looks at me with wide eyes. Olivia tries to talk but the amount of pain radiating out of me stops her from saying anything. She simply covers her mouth, and looks me at through her tears. The silent is loud and, our bodies are making slow movements. Our heavy chests are closing on us.
“When?” Olivia whispers. I do not say anything for few seconds then I close my eyes, “Seven years,” I tell her. I feel her looking at me, and her hands, suddenly, covers mine. “Why Eda!” she says, “Why didn’t you tell me.. All this time you’ve been hurting all on your own. You should have told me!”
“Tell you!” I laugh bitterly, “Tell you what?! huh! Tell you that Aras left this world. Tell you that the only soul I needed in my life has ceased to exist! Tell you that I am already dead because the love of my life died.” Olivia do not say anything, she just throws her arms around me and, pulls me into her. My head is resting on her shoulder, and my eyes are on the window; the universe is lonely and its tears of pain are pouring over us tonight.
“He is crying,” Ophelia tells me. I nod at her as my own tears wash over my pain. “Tell him I love him,” I tell her.
“He thinks it’s time for you to open that letter,” she informs me, “words are the ocean to you sorrows and, the deep to your happiness.”
“Tell him I will love him,” I just say into the void before me. Ophelia is dead tonight.
Olivia’s hands smooth down my hair, “He loved you Eda!” she says
He loved me, and I keep loving him. I cannot forget it!
The Ophelia Series: