I am not sure why this hit me so hard. After all I am 58 years old and well past being grown so why did a little teasing about the gray in my hair give me pause. It is not like the gray was a surprise since I decided to never color my hair. The women in my family do not gray early and when we do it is a lovely silver that will wear well in a short do. My plan is to let it gray completely and then get a really sharp short cut to accent the silver strands. This is the plan, and I am sticking to it, but still the teasing from a friend, who is grayer than I am, caught me off guard. We laughed and I gave him a little tap on the shoulder, but I thought about it.
A week or so later the hit came when a young lady said “thank you ma’am” when I wished her a good day. Well if the truth be known I had been looking at myself and seeing all of the bulges, wrinkles, and battle scars of just living. I have passed the age of catching eyes and even my husband has settled into a comfortable state of indifference. Unfortunately, women never stop wanting to be wanted or noticed, and when we accept that maybe that time has passed we still long for those days of a little stare and a nod hello.
I have been married a long time and I am the mother of two amazing young men. I have a best friend and I had a great dog for 13 years. There have been some severe bumps in the road and others that are the cycle of life, but for the most part my life is following an expected pattern of regularity. Still there is that inner voice that speaks to my soul. It makes me think 30 years younger and dream of the feeling of butterflies and loving sighs. It clutches my heart when I hear an old love song and I remember how I looked and felt back then. I carry these thoughts around and for a time and it becomes easy to forget that it is not 30 years earlier. I feel young, vibrant, sassy, and funny. Even my steps, when my knee does not hurt, has a pep to it reminiscent of years past. These feelings go on until I am reminded that in the here and now no one sees that woman any more. I am sought out for advice because I am considered a woman of wisdom. I have skills, and experiences that can prove valuable in different situations. I now fit into a certain niche and admittedly sometimes that can be pretty cool. Thankfully I have lived long enough to see history repeat itself, and to know the end of the story before the beginning is barely told. There is no reason for me to be this old and still be dumb, but there are still moments. (sigh)
Then I recall that this is the time of life when I am mom to adults, grandmom, wife, daughter, church member, and worker. I accept these titles with a “yeah I have been there and done all of that” attitude. There have been stumbles and falls, but the get-up and the comebacks have been amazing. I have watched God bless me, mine, and others over and over again, and when He brought us out He brought us better.
Just for the record, this 50+ woman wants romance, love, passion, attention, and maybe a rendezvous (just mentioning). I still dream and imagine myself as a sensuous 20-year-old but with the mind of a woman who has lived some. I love my family, friends and all the other blessings of my life, but if for a moment I could feel the newness of falling in love and being loved again I would be revitalized. Maybe these are just my feelings. Maybe other 50+ women have found that place of satisfaction or they have that feeling of passion, laughter, and other stuff. So if that be true, I applaud you, and though I am a little jealous, I say with enthusiasm…you go girl!!!!
Penelope
