He hung up, finished his cigarette and headed to his car. The drive seemed forever and she began to think he changed his mind when the headlights flashed against the pale grey wall in her bedroom. She checked to see if her white shirt was still tucked into her high wasted shorts and grabbed her sandals. She crept down the stairs and like many nights before, checked to make sure everyone was asleep and out the window she went. Everyone loves people a little more at 2AM. He was like sneaking out of bed for milk and cookies after midnight. As she walked to his car, it started to rain and thunder sounded in the distance. Thunder and hard rain thrashed at the windshield and drops from the open window ran down her arm.
“I’m gonna pull over. I don’t have much gas.” he said pulling into the almost empty Walmart parking lot.
She breathed long, deep breaths and held them inside her lungs, letting the scent of him burn through the insides of her. She tried so hard to just live in the moment and not cry but she’s holding tears behind closed eyelids and doesn’t know if they are from the joy of having him there or from the heartache of knowing that he will be leaving again soon. She’s grown accustomed to his periods of absence although each one mines a slightly deeper crack into her heart, but this one is different. The silence is as heavy as the elephant in the room. An infinite number of unsung songs and her mouth is filled with words from trying not to speak. She doesn’t dare look at his face, afraid of what she might find there or what she will find to be lacking…pain, wonder, lost eyes. So she kept her face down only looking straight up to keep tears from overflowing.
Ten minutes of silence broke when she decided the tears just wouldn’t stay and she whimpered and let it out.
“What am I here for? What do you want?” She said wiping away tears and makeup stained cheeks with her shirt sleeve.
He started crying too and reached for his phone. Soft indie music played and only saddened the mood, along with the pouring rain and empty streets.
“ I just don’t know what to do!” He yelled and angrily reached for a cigarette and lighter.
He’s never smoked in front of her, until the other night, for he knew she didn’t like it.
She coughed, choking on tears and smoke.
She reached over the seat and grabbed his hand, they interlocked fingers and he started crying more.
“I love you so much. I’m not going anywhere.” She reassured him. He was silent again but she didn’t let go.
“I love you, too. “ He finally said.
She leaned over and grabbed his face with her right hand and kissed him until he pushed her off.
“Stop, you’re making this harder on me!” He yelled.
She sighed and curled up against the open window, now soaked of rain.
At this point her heart was heavy and it felt like the world had been ripped from under her feet. Everything she ever wanted was right in front of her but she knew never more that with her moving hours away and her parent’s restrictions’ they couldn’t be happily together. She thinks of things to say like “Maybe it’s for the best” and “Maybe we weren’t meant to be.” but she knows when she gets the chance to say anything, it all comes out “I miss you. Let me stay.”
She’s trying not to let the bitterness leave a bad taste in her mouth but she never saw the point of someone else’s lips on hers unless they made her teeth shake, and all she can think about is him leaning in first for anyone but her. It’s been days since they last kissed and she’s still trying to figure out why “I love you” sounds like more of an apology than a confession when it leaves her mouth.
“Andrew, please look at me.”
He wiped his tear covered face “I can’t.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want you!” He grabbed his empty cigarette box and threw it out the open window and pulled another from his glove box.
-Lauren Harris
Additional Publications from the Memoir Series:
