Tiny shards of my heart pierce my side whenever I reflect over my flouted marriage. In retrospect, I should have ran. I should have laughed at the picture he sent me but a small part of me wanted to find out more about this mysterious stranger like what had caused the sadness behind those beautiful brown eyes. True, he was spending time in prison for a crime he committed years before and why I insisted on getting caught up in that drama; to this day, I may never know. Some may even say that I had it coming…by dipping my toe in a hotbed of fleas. But what they failed to see is what I saw in him. A redeemable soul. Someone who just needed another chance at life. Another chance to spread his marred wings and fly.
Maybe it is true that as Christians we tend to seek those who are lost believing that if we show the world that Christ lives in us that lost soul can find God. After all, we are the fragile human vessel God uses to spread the Gospel. He doesn’t expect us to be perfect. He doesn’t expect us to get it right immediately. And I felt that my marriage to my husband was a lot like the beginning of my relationship with God. I wasn’t perfect when I accepted Christ into my heart. I didn’t completely give up my philandering and drinking alcohol but that didn’t stop God from loving me. God revealed to me His grace and mercy each and every time I slipped up. He refused to give up on me. His patience and lovingkindness kept me. So when I was faced with my husband’s drug addiction and imperfections; I took it in stride. However, it was my husband’s slew of issues that caused more pain than pleasure. His imperfections scarred me and left me broken and in disarray. I was so busy helping him strengthen his own wings to fly that my own wings became clipped.
While separated from my husband, I’ve been compelled to dance on broken bones. Not for celebratory reasons, but because I have overcome insurmountable odds that allowed me to remain standing on solid ground. With every stride over a hurdle, I know that my strength is not my own. It is not by my own might that I stand; but it is by the power and might of an Almighty God that propels me forward.
Satara Newton
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