She kept staring at the ceiling thoughtless, wishing for anyone, or anything, even a ghost, to come and save her from the darkness that she buried herself in. Anything to take away this pain, this unbearable, unphysical pain that’s killing her. Anything to save her from these damned ideas that are dancing inside her mind on a symphonic rhythm. She wished she could bang her head on the wall but she knew that it wasn’t going to be effective. Therefore, she considered the idea of suicide.
She kept this thought circling every corner of her mind and she tried to look deep into each option. Hanging herself wasn’t a good option because she knew it will take a lot of energy and time to set this up. First she would have to buy a rope, then tie a noose, then make sure it’s tight so nothing can go wrong, then hang it from the ceiling. That would take a lot of time, she thought. So maybe drowning was a better option, but then again, she knew that she might feel frightened and then back out of it. She wanted something easy, non painful and fast. Maybe taking pills will be the right way to die but she was afraid of getting caught, being taken to the hospital and being saved. She was left with only one option, stabbing herself. However that was a hurtful way so like the others, this option was eliminated. She finally came to the conclusion that suicide was never a way of escaping her misery.
She sat there, on the bed, with her knees up under her chin. She said no word and showed no emotion but deep down, she was crying, shouting, screaming in a way that could make the glass shatter. Yet, she held all of that inside; she was afraid to let it out and control her. At that very moment, she wished for someone to save her. For someone to let her pain fade away. She wished for a hero to take her out of this darkness and bring her to the light.
But she knew that this idea was so unreal and pathetic. ‘wake up‘ she told herself ‘ I don’t need a hero to save me each time I go through something like this. It will only make me weak and fragile. I don’t need anyone to survive and bring to my life a meaning. I have to be the kind of person who saves her own life.
She realised that she wasn’t this weak person who wants to end her life. It was up to her to choose whether to heal herself from this unreal pain or accept living in that dark place with her demons. She didn’t need anyone to help her conquer her pain and make it go away, it was all up to her. She switched on the room’s lights, walked towards the door and opened it, to let herself out of that darkness that she was in. She figured out that she didn’t need a hero to make her overcome her pain because she has already done that by herself.
audaciouswomanblog.wordpress.com
By Audacious woman AKA Hela Khedira.
