The day I lost myself to the ocean; I breathed. I was walking on the line of the blue and my head was touching the deep, but my eyes were lingering on the the stars. The salt was eating my flesh and my skin was becoming water. I was free! I was free!
When you are in love, my dear, you need to be more than yourself. You have to be bigger than the space you are given and, you have to fall harder than the shooting stars. You have to embrace the ground while you are in the sky. When you are in love, my dear, you have to make every flesh of your flesh a ware zone and, you have to fight hard. You have to always win. Therefore, when you would look into their eyes you would feel the water overwhelming you, it would feels like you are drowning in your own ocean. The water covering every inch of your skin and, the burning you are feeling would subside into a feather pain. Love is a weapon to your heart; it is a cruel game of mind and soul. Love is the line between losing yourself and gaining another.
“Eda!” a voice calls my name, pulling me out of my trance. The pen in my hand is burning my fingers. I drift my eyes away from the papers, looking around me. The time is empty and the street outside is fading into the sun. The weather outside is blinding all my feelings.
“Olivia will be here in few minutes.” Noah, my friend, says as he plays with his phone. His eyes are frantically devouring the screen. “Okay,” I say swirling the pen between my fingers. I can feel my skin itching me, the voices in my head are demanding to be released.
“Still, writing your new novel?” Noah asks, putting his phone away and looking at me attentively.
“Yes,” I shortly say.
“Is everything okay,” he wonders in concern, “You look different since the day after Olivia’s opening night.”
I look at him as he reaches out to his espresso. “He came to see me that night,” I simply blurt out. I watch him as his eyes widen and, then reaches out to my hand, holding it tightly.
“He came back!” Noah seethes, “Why did you meet him Eda?”
I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
“I don’t know.. He knocked on my door and, all I did was letting him in.”
“You can’t just let him in Eda!” Noah breathes out his words in frustration, “Can’t you see, he is not healthy for you. He already messed you up.”
I feel my eyes crowding with tears and my skin is tingling in pain. The power of pain is overwhelming me in waves. How could I walk over my heart and forget him? How could I make the memory of him fade away like he never existed? He is the one who made me see life as it is. He opened the door for my dreams to walk outside me. He breathed into my weak lungs enough for me to jump over my lines. He held my hands when I broke out of my shell.
I look at Noah as he places himself next to me. He puts his arm around my shoulders and pulls me into him.
“You can breathe Eda,” he whispers, “You can live without him. You are strong enough to walk away. Because.. because you are you.”
I feel his lips on my temple and I breathe deeply. “I am here,” he says, “Olivia is here. The people you need are here around you. We love you Eda.”
I straight myself and I look at him, “And what about what I want, Noah?” I say, “what about the void in my heart? what about him and, the fear of being alone? He is the one I want, Noah.”
I hold my pen as I stare into the papers before me. Noah does not say a word, he just sits right beside me; unmoved. I feel him looking at me, than he breathes out loud. I lean back on my chair and, I exhale slowly; the air leaving my body in knots.
“What did he say?” Noah asks casually.
“He wants me to be happy,” I say looking at him; his eyebrows rising as he nods, “But..” I add slowly, “He wants me to be happy without him.” My eyes are on my hands, the event of that night flashing before me in bright motions. Noah slowly covers my hands with his, “You will be fine Eda.. you will be fine.” He says; his words overwhelming my trembling heart.
I will be fine the moment I walk away. Ophelia will be fine when she is able to walk away.
“How many drops are in the ocean?” I write down on my paper as Ophelia speaks to me.
“Why do you ask?” I tell her.
“Just tell me.”
“infinite.. limitless!”
“This is how you exactly feel about him.” She says, “you are, both, infinite and limitless. He lives inside you like an ocean.”
“My ocean,” I whisper.
Noah looks at me, “Did you say something?”
In a trance, I look at him unfazed, “All the ocean,” is all I say.
Now is perfect.. now is infinite.. now is you.
to be continued.
-Imen
The Ophelia Series: