Chapter 1
Before Life
After darkness there is a ceiling; a white bright ceiling. My eyes are blinking in fast motions and my skin is linked to a cold concrete. The space around me is bright and inside my head there is a silent mess. I cannot remember myself. I try to move but my head is heavy and my eyes are crowded. Then one question hits me, “Did I do the deed?”
When I was borne and since the moment I opened my eyes, I decided to be endless, someone without limits. And, as I grew older, I understood that timeless is the moment when there is no moment. Timeless is to be and, at the same time to not to be. Few months after I became twenty-seven, I realized that if I want to be timeless, I have to die. For that, we live once and we die forever. Thus, I decided to die and, at this moment where there is no moment and no memories, I believe I am timeless.
Suddenly, a sharp noise disturbs my silent mind. I blink few times, before I realize that someone is knocking on my door. I look around me for the first time and, then I discover that I am in my living room. Everything around me looks fine; no sign of life, yet so alive. I move my head first, then I push on my weak arms. The knocking just became harder and someone is calling my name. I stand up as fast as my tired body allows me. “I did not die!” I murmur to myself. My heart is still beating; slow and loud. I smooth down my dress as I walk to the door, whoever is behind it will not stop knocking until I open the thing.
When I open the door, there is a woman standing before me. She looks familiar, but I cannot remember who she is. She is looking at me with eyes full of worries and she is breathing fast. In a sudden moment, she warps her arms around me.
“Eda!” She breathes out my name, “Thank God! you are fine.” I don’t move, I just keep looking at the space behind her. “I was afraid that something bad happened to you when you didn’t show up last night.” she adds as she holds me at an arm length.
Last night! I think to myself. Then, the memories hit me back. Yes! last night. I was supposed to be at Olivia’s gallery. Olivia! the woman standing before me is my friend Olivia. I look at her once again: taking in the details of her face. My friend, Olivia!
“Are you okay?” She asks with a worried tone, “You look.. distant!”
“I am fine.” I say turning on my heels, as I walk to the living room, “I am just tired.” I hear her steady steps behind me as she walks. “Tired!” she wonders. I turn around to look at her: her eyes are paging every detail in the room. I exhale slowly, “Yes! It was a busy day.” Her eyes settle on me as she find her way to the sofa.
“Why didn’t you come last night? You are already dressed up.”
I cannot remember. I feel like I lost control over my thoughts. I look away from her as I fumble with my dress.
“Don’t tell me you lost track of time while writing!” she says annoyingly. My restless eyes are losing focus and my stupid head is empty. I do not remember.
“This new Ophelia story that you are writing is taking all your time..”
Ophelia in the darkness; the voices are louder now. I am starting to remember.
“You can’t neglect your friends..” Olivia keeps speaking, but my mind is somewhere else. Now, I remember! He was here last night. His voice is inside my head. I remember!
“Eda! are you ignoring me now..” Olivia keeps speaking but, all I am hearing is his voice in my head. he was here last night. He called me Ophelia. he held my hands and asked me about what I need. I looked at him and, then I closed my eyes. I remember him repeating his question;
“What do you need, Ophelia?”
“I need.. I need you to break your heart and to give me mine back.” I told him.
He was really here!
penthere.com/2017/04/ophelia-silent-chaos-chapter-one/
Chapter 2
“Life minus one”
Life has never been enough for me; I have always needed more. When you stay in one place for a long time, you will slowly start to resemble your surroundings. Therefore, I have spent my life moving around. However, this time has been the longest for me to stay in one place. But, it has never been real for me. For the time being, I faked my existence; a life with a fake reality. The name was not mine, the blood in my veins was colorless and the face I carry with me was shapeless. And, what kept me sane within this falseness was this new routine that I have developed. When the whole world falls into darkness, I just stand by my window and I watch people. Somehow, watching them reminded me of who I really am. It helped me stay whole. Every time I see the details of life on their faces, I know that this not enough. This life is not enough!
He is sitting across me; the cigarette burning his lips and misting the space between us. It has been a long silent hour, since I opened the door for him. I am supposed to be at Olivia’s opening at this very moment, but here I am having a silent conversation with the man who broke my walls.
“Are you happy?”
For a brief moment, our eyes meet and, it feels like two wild universes collided, and then fell into the void.
“I am writing.” is all I say.
“Ophelia! when are you going to be happy?”
“What is happiness without the pain?” The sound of my words echo through the silence. He stands up and walks to me. His Hands reach to me through the dim light of the room. His fingers touch my skin in a wave and, I feel it inside my blood; burning my veins into aches.
“You need to be happy.” he says, pulling me up so I am facing him. Eyes to eyes, breath to breath. The feeling of him is lost within me as I see me reaching him.
“I need you!” I tell him as I reach my fingers to his face, “I need you to know all my secrets. I need you to feel life through my touch. I need you to be my river; the one leading me to freedom.”
His eyes are on my lips, as I talk and his thoughts are the ashes to my fire.
“Ophelia! Ophelia!” he murmurs, his warm hands wrap my face, “Will you lay down with me?” he tells me in a whisper.
“Happiness through sadness!”
“Yes! my Ophelia .. happiness through sadness” he says, “here come with me” he pulls me with him and, we slowly place our bodies on the cold floor. We lay next to each other, letting the silent room takes us by the stars above our heads. The universe is speaking to us with butterflies. They are burning through our blood, pushing the dizziness to take us to the other side of our existence. Do we lose sight when we are in love? Do we even exist?
His fingers are lacing mine and, his face is close; I can feel his thoughts speaking to me.
“Close you eyes, Ophelia” he whispers.
I close my eyes, but I can still see him.
“The night is over,” I murmur.
“Yes! the night is over.” his voice is fading, but I can still see him.
“Will you be my infinity?” I whisper through my misty mind.
“I already am, Ophelia!” he breathes out his words into my lonely ears.
The voice of silent is louder when the world is falling apart. No sound is here but our own. There is no moment where we lay. We are infinite.
I do not know how much it took us to be limitless, but there is a loud voice outside us. My eyes to my skin and darkness is all I can touch. His fingers are gone and, when there is no feel of him around, I open my eyes.
After darkness, there is a ceiling. A white bright ceiling.
penthere.com/2017/05/life-minus-one-ophelia-chapter-2
Chapter 3
Ocean
The day I lost myself to the ocean; I breathed. I was walking on the line of the blue and my head was touching the deep, but my eyes were lingering on the the stars. The salt was eating my flesh and my skin was becoming water. I was free! I was free!
When you are in love, my dear, you need to be more than yourself. You have to be bigger than the space you are given and, you have to fall harder than the shooting stars. You have to embrace the ground while you are in the sky. When you are in love, my dear, you have to make every flesh of your flesh a ware zone and, you have to fight hard. You have to always win. Therefore, when you would look into their eyes you would feel the water overwhelming you, it would feels like you are drowning in your own ocean. The water covering every inch of your skin and, the burning you are feeling would subside into a feather pain. Love is a weapon to your heart; it is a cruel game of mind and soul. Love is the line between losing yourself and gaining another.
“Eda!” a voice calls my name, pulling me out of my trance. The pen in my hand is burning my fingers. I drift my eyes away from the papers, looking around me. The time is empty and the street outside is fading into the sun. The weather outside is blinding all my feelings.
“Olivia will be here in few minutes.” Noah, my friend, says as he plays with his phone. His eyes are frantically devouring the screen. “Okay,” I say swirling the pen between my fingers. I can feel my skin itching me, the voices in my head are demanding to be released.
“Still, writing your new novel?” Noah asks, putting his phone away and looking at me attentively.
“Yes,” I shortly say.
“Is everything okay,” he wonders in concern, “You look different since the day after Olivia’s opening night.”
I look at him as he reaches out to his espresso. “He came to see me that night,” I simply blurt out. I watch him as his eyes widen and, then reaches out to my hand, holding it tightly.
“He came back!” Noah seethes, “Why did you meet him Eda?”
I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
“I don’t know.. He knocked on my door and, all I did was letting him in.”
“You can’t just let him in Eda!” Noah breathes out his words in frustration, “Can’t you see, he is not healthy for you. He already messed you up.”
I feel my eyes crowding with tears and my skin is tingling in pain. The power of pain is overwhelming me in waves. How could I walk over my heart and forget him? How could I make the memory of him fade away like he never existed? He is the one who made me see life as it is. He opened the door for my dreams to walk outside me. He breathed into my weak lungs enough for me to jump over my lines. He held my hands when I broke out of my shell.
I look at Noah as he places himself next to me. He puts his arm around my shoulders and pulls me into him.
“You can breathe Eda,” he whispers, “You can live without him. You are strong enough to walk away. Because.. because you are you.”
I feel his lips on my temple and I breathe deeply. “I am here,” he says, “Olivia is here. The people you need are here around you. We love you Eda.”
I straight myself and I look at him, “And what about what I want, Noah?” I say, “what about the void in my heart? what about him and, the fear of being alone? He is the one I want, Noah.”
I hold my pen as I stare into the papers before me. Noah does not say a word, he just sits right beside me; unmoved. I feel him looking at me, than he breathes out loud. I lean back on my chair and, I exhale slowly; the air leaving my body in knots.
“What did he say?” Noah asks casually.
“He wants me to be happy,” I say looking at him; his eyebrows rising as he nods, “But..” I add slowly, “He wants me to be happy without him.” My eyes are on my hands, the event of that night flashing before me in bright motions. Noah slowly covers my hands with his, “You will be fine Eda.. you will be fine.” He says; his words overwhelming my trembling heart.
I will be fine the moment I walk away. Ophelia will be fine when she is able to walk away.
“How many drops are in the ocean?” I write down on my paper as Ophelia speaks to me.
“Why do you ask?” I tell her.
“Just tell me.”
“infinite.. limitless!”
“This is how you exactly feel about him.” She says, “you are, both, infinite and limitless. He lives inside you like an ocean.”
“My ocean,” I whisper.
Noah looks at me, “Did you say something?”
In a trance, I look at him unfazed, “All the ocean,” is all I say.
Now is perfect.. now is infinite.. now is you.
penthere.com/2017/05/ocean-ophelia-chapter-3/
Chapter 4
Hybrid
A hybrid human is all I am; the extent of hell and, the skin of heaven. The bones are not mine but, the head is my whole existence. I own myself and the only piece of me that belongs elsewhere is the heart. Do I care? No! I don’t. I am nothing more than my scars. I can feel my flesh on the bed and the bed is breathing underneath my half dead body. The skin to the skin, and the scent is him.
“Hide me,” he whispers into my ears. I try to move but my head is heavy and my mind is empty. “Hide me inside you,” he adds. My eyes are flat open. The ceiling is dark, I can feel the void shimmering over me. “Hide me where I belong,” His voice is inside me like a bullet. The pain is loud! The pain is loud!
I move my lips; my mouth is dry. My lungs are empty and the air is caged outside me like a bubble. I can see the bubble floating away; I try to reach it but my fingers are locked. His hands are over mine. “Ophelia! my love” He murmurs, “Ophelia! my past” his voice is deep, “Ophelia! my death” I can feel his voice rumbling in my flesh.
“Hide you!” my lips mumble. Now, his body is over mine; his forehead to my forehead. His hands are on my face, covering my eyes and his lips are touching mine. “Die, Ophelia!” he orders me softly. A memory of old crowds my mind in a blink of an eye; my hands on his eyes , my lips on his and my own voice is echoing through the memory “Die, Aras!” I try to hold myself but my lungs are tired and my legs are not moving.
“I will hide!” I cry “Don’t fade I will hide.” My body is trembling under his weight. He moves his hands away and looks at me,“ I shall run into you, where love is never lost. Run within you, where I shall be infinite,” he tells me.
“Please!” my voice is shaking, “don’t leave me limited without you,” The words coming out of my mouth are weird to my own ears. I feel myself becoming weaker with every breath I take. The sound of rain is heavy on the window. I want to lift my head to watch the world outside drowning, but my eyes are fixed on his eyes. I feel like if I move them even for an inch he would disappear in a thin air. It seems like the God of rain is listening to my thoughts; a foam of clouds is forming above us and I can feel it rain down my eyes. My vision is crowded, but I can still see him. He moves his head closer, his lips touching my eyes. The feel of his breath on my forehead makes me want to hold him tighter to myself; like we are one body.. one soul!
I feel tired, I am only a human! A hybrid of a human!
He leans into me and, whispers slowly into my ear “Come to me Ophelia! Come in love, my Ophelia!”
“Eda! my dear!” a strange voice creeps over the room and, unfamiliar hands shakes my body. “Eda! Are you okay?” the voice struggles to invade me, “Eda! Eda!” The storm is breaking through my skin, and I feel like letting go.
“Eda! Can you hear me?” I feel the hands on my face, “Look at me my dear!” I breathe out loud in my head. The air is thin; it feels like a feather. Shapeless is the face hovering over me. The hands are cupping my face, touching away my tears. “Shhh!” the voice whispers, “Clam down my dear.” Slowly my vision is cleared. The hands are helping me up; my stiff back to the bed-board. My eyes are on the person next to me. It is Olivia, my friend. She is looking at me in concern. I look around for him, but he is no where to be seen. I breathe what left of the air and, I ask her “Where is he?”
“Who is ”he“?” she wonders in surprise. I am scared! Her expression is vacant and, I can’t see him.
“Aras!” I say “Where is he? He was here!”
“Eda!” she breathes out; with a concerned look on her face, “No one was here”!
penthere.com/2017/06/hybrid-ophelia-chapter-4/
Chapter 5
Heavy Heart
I don’t want to know who I am without him in my life! I don’t want to know how it feels to breathe outside his space! And, he is not here to save me from myself. He is not around to pull me out of the darkness. I feel like he was never there, like he never touched my hair.. like he never smiled at me. And, I cannot forget all of the love I carried with me all these years. I was afraid of my dreams, until he was part of them. I felt the sky closing on me and, my own skin burning. The pain was real and, everything I felt was part of me. Part of who I am; like a story without an ending. And, the end was trapped inside of a jar, and the jar was buried in my belly. Every part of me itched for more light, I wanted to change but I still didn’t want to know who I am without him.
And, I did not want to forget all of the love.
“He called me Ophelia,” I tell Olivia, “He was here.. he loved me.. he smiled at me and, I saw myself in his eyes!” Olivia is sitting right next to me our body touching by the side. Her hands are on mine. The look in her eyes is telling me the truth I did not want to believe.
“No body was here when I came in,” her voice was a mere whisper, like she did not want to disturb my pain. I look at her despite the pressure I feel growing within my veins. “But he is real,” I tell her. I know he is real.. I know he excited somewhere beyond my knowledge. I know that we met, and I know that we loved. I can still remember him! No! I can still feel him. The face of heaven, and the eyes of night; darker than darkness. The path of his fingers is clear through the threads of my hair.
“Yes,” Olivia says with a reassuring tone, “He is real..” I hold her hands tightly, as I prompt her to look at me. “He is real, Olivia!”. She smiles at me softly, “Yes! he used to be real, until..”
“Until what?” I asked her urgently. She looks away, her head tiled towards the window. “Please! Olivia,” I plead, “Water down on my fire, my friend.. I am hurting.” My tears are filling the space between us. She turns around and, hold me into her embrace. Her palm on my head, soothing me out of my pain. “Shhhh” she murmurs, “You will be fine without him, as you always did”
“I am heavy!” I tell her, pulling myself out of her hug, “I need his love to feel! I need him, Olivia!”
“He left you Eda!” she says, “He left when you needed him most!”
“I know… I know! But this emptiness is killing me!” I cry, “Yes! he left because life was not easy on us. Yes! he met another woman and married her. Yes! he built a life without me! He had the kid I was not able to give him. Yes! I watched him being happy when, every inch of my life was sinking into sorrowfulness.” my breathe hitches and, I feel like suffocating. She tries to hold me but I push away, my restless eyes paging her concerned face, “But..” I add, “But.. he died, Olivia! He left this world without me being beside him.”
She exhales sharply, her hands falling into her lap. She looks at me with wide eyes. Olivia tries to talk but the amount of pain radiating out of me stops her from saying anything. She simply covers her mouth, and looks me at through her tears. The silent is loud and, our bodies are making slow movements. Our heavy chests are closing on us.
“When?” Olivia whispers. I do not say anything for few seconds then I close my eyes, “Seven years,” I tell her. I feel her looking at me, and her hands, suddenly, covers mine. “Why Eda!” she says, “Why didn’t you tell me.. All this time you’ve been hurting all on your own. You should have told me!”
“Tell you!” I laugh bitterly, “Tell you what?! huh! Tell you that Aras left this world. Tell you that the only soul I needed in my life has ceased to exist! Tell you that I am already dead because the love of my life died.” Olivia do not say anything, she just throws her arms around me and, pulls me into her. My head is resting on her shoulder, and my eyes are on the window; the universe is lonely and its tears of pain are pouring over us tonight.
“He is crying,” Ophelia tells me. I nod at her as my own tears wash over my pain. “Tell him I love him,” I tell her.
“He thinks it’s time for you to open that letter,” she informs me, “words are the ocean to you sorrows and, the deep to your happiness.”
“Tell him I will love him,” I just say into the void before me. Ophelia is dead tonight.
Olivia’s hands smooth down my hair, “He loved you Eda!” she says
He loved me, and I keep loving him. I cannot forget it!
The End..
penthere.com/2017/06/heavy-heart-ophelia-chapter-5/
Epilogue
Maybe the world is bigger inside our heads and every step we take makes us closer to ourselves. The emotions we hold dear to our hearts are clearer when the silence is loud. I needed space to understand that nothing will ever bring him back unless I open this letter and let him live inside me forever.
O! Ophelia for you are Hamlet’s doom.
*****
My Eda, My Ophelia,
I still remember the day your eyes met mine, the moment my heart stopped beating, and the blood in my veins burned me to aches. I still remember the second my fingers brushed yours; that moment of bliss when your touch lingered on my own skin like fire. The moment you breathed into my space enough for me to inhale you. Did you know that I wanted to cage your scent inside me and never let go?
Eda! my love! My past! My present! My future! Eda! My Ophelia!
The first time I saw, we were both at the coffee shop near your apartment. You were sitting by the window; holding your cup of coffee with both hands, your hair were covering your shoulders and your lips were tight on the pen. You looked like muse from the ancient history. Your eyes were glowing! I wanted to kiss you at that very moment. You didn’t see me! you were in a trance of your own. The world seemed blur for both of us! my eyes were only on you whereas yours were devouring the papers before you. I never told you this but, our first meeting wasn’t the one you thought it was my Ophelia!
Ophelia! you have always asked me why I called you that. However, I kept denying you the answer. You are Ophelia for you are the inspiration of passion and purity. For you are the lair of your own world and the illusionist of time. For you are the woman I love but I can’t have. Yes! we were together for many years, but I never had you the way my heart desired. While my heart was all yours, you heart were full of words and papers. Still! I loved you.. I love you!
Your scent is a garden in my heart and the season is spring. You are breathing inside me Ophelia. I never forget you and I will never do. You are my universe, my unfinished story and the woman who made me see the world wider.
“Even when you are sad, you can write about happiness! Happiness at its best!” you once told me. Then, I thought to myself, maybe you are sad all the time because I am not enough! maybe you deserve better! maybe I am not the wave you need and my dear, you are an ocean! But you told me that you are the way you are because you are a sad person. I wanted to offer you rainbow and all the colors of happiness. I wanted to change you but you were unchangeable. I made the mistake and I had to leave!
I don’t want you to forget me! I know I am selfish! but I don’t want you to forget me! I want to live forever, and my dear, you are the only one that can make me infinite.
Eda! I didn’t leave because of you. I left because I don’t deserve you. I left because you are wider than the universe ahead! you are limitless like the existence itself! You were bigger than both of us combined and I didn’t want to be your chains. I didn’t want to be the borders to your dreams. Please forgive me, for making you sadder and for changing you in any way, because you are not perfect and you are flawless the way it is.
Now, I want you to go back to your home, to yourself and to be Eda… not Ophelia but Eda! I want you to take me by the heart and lead me to my end. Forget about me telling you to never forget me! I want you to pull yourself up and walk the mile to your happiness on your own. I want you to be the muse to your weakness. Be the wave to your shore and swim into the current without chains.
Live Eda, Live my love and breathe enough for the both of us to survive the infinite. I love you and I will love you till death do us together.
Aras,
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